Including Fathers
When people talk about parenting or caregiving, whether intentionally or not, it seems they’re mostly focused on the role of the mother. I’m certainly guilty of it. I write and speak about parenting and child development with a bias favoring or only describing the maternal experience. I often assume men just aren't that interested in their child or let alone children in general. And I'm wrong. I have had just as many deep and meaningful talks with concerned or interested fathers as I have mothers, I have seen hundreds of delightful and special moments between fathers and their children and personally have benefited enormously from having such a hands on father. But I, like many other people still have this unjustified bias when I consider fathers or men in childcare.
It’s undeniable that dads are important: children with well engaged fathers are more ready for school, likely to stay in school longer, solve conflicts with less aggression, have higher literacy rates, are less likely to gender stereotype and are more easily socialized. Not only does it benefit the children, involved fathers often report how the role enhances their lives, makes them more empathetic, makes them less aggressive - even at work - and reduces conflict between parents.
Dads play a very particular role in raising children. Fathering is not the same as mothering, and it’s not supposed to be. The role of father/mother is not necessarily gender bound but rather there are complimentary yet different skills and tendencies that two separate caregivers provide a child. Even in same sex couples, there seems to be a division in tasks, one partner is more protective and nurturing and one is more apt to encourage exploration. The go-to guy for father science is Dr. Kyle Pruett. He has been in the field for decades, contributed incredibly important research and has been a huge advocate for bringing dads into the conversation.
“We don’t support them (fathers) as a society to this job or to do it well. So they often come into the role rather tentatively, but what’s interesting is that the babies couldn’t care less”
Research (Yogman, 1981) found that as early as six weeks babies respond to mom and dad differently. When mom picks them up, their heart rate, posture and gaze all relax, but when dad picks them up, they become more excited. “What purpose does this serve for the baby?” Dr. Pruett asks. He then suggests that babies even by 6 weeks have learned that while dad can’t feed them, dad is the guy they can count on to play with, to be excited by, to explore with. What Dr. Pruett and other researchers noticed is that dads tend to even hold their child differently than mom; mom was more likely to hold the baby facing her body, while dads are more likely to hold the baby facing out towards the world.
My dad and me in 1987 and 2017
He goes on to explain that dads play a key role in teaching children about their environment. Dads are often a little more risky than mom (often to mom’s annoyance), dads also tend to have more patience when a child is struggling with a task which can lead to powerful learning experiences, while moms tend to move in quicker to solve the problem for the child. One approach isn't better or worse, rather there is a need for both types of experiences for the child; to feel bold and safe enough to explore and to feel like they can find comfort and reassurance.
There are biological changes that fathers go through just like mom after a new baby. Dads have a spike in oxytocin, a hormone that plays a key part in bonding, “it turns this guy into a sucker for that baby” - Dr. Pruett. Dads are ready to be dads right away. They aren’t just there as a support for the mom (although that’s a big part) until the child is old enough to catch a ball. The earlier a father begins to get involved with the child, the higher likelihood they'll stay involved. Fathers who witness the birth of their child are even better at describing the emotional state of their child months later, and were more likely to demonstrate "engrossment" or "being so in love" with their newborn (Greenberg, 1974). Later in childhood, fathers are more likely to engage in physical play and exploration with toddlers (Lamb, 2010). Dad's seem to help toddlers set limits through physical play -how far is too far- which is a really important social skill. There's also evidence that suggests a father and mother don't necessarily have to be living together for a child to reap the benefits of a strong relationship with their father (McHale & Fivaz-Depeursinge, 2010).
It's also worth mentioning that the "father" doesn't have to be the biological dad; it can be a grandfather, a stepdad or any consistent, emotionally engaged male presence. Regardless of the biological relationship, men bring unique and valuable things to raising a child. Also it matters less how much time a child has with this father figure, and more how they spend that time. Spending 12 hours with a caregiver who's not involved or engaged is not better than 1 hour with someone who spends that time actively involved and connected with that child.
Clearly dads - or whoever is filling that role - have a very important job from the beginning. Not only does including fathers benefit children, it takes the burden off mom. When practitioners and professionals give all their info and advice to moms or ask mom to relay it to dad, not only are we not treating dad like an active participant we're asking mom to do more. The more we think and talk about fathers as partners, the more likely mom will. Don't just ask mom to bring dad to the appointment, ask dad to come. Ask him what his experience is like: what is he nervous about? What does he want for this child? And if the biological dad isn't around, ask the mom "who is helping you raise this baby?", and engage them. The more we normalize including men in programs, policies and even conversations the better off families will be.
“The delight you can have in this role is endless, as long as you don’t try to be a professional”